Now incorporating The Sudbury Hill Harrow and Wherever End Times

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Boffin at large

with Simon Moribund

In the twilight world of the computer programmer, it is safest to assume that whatever you hear means the opposite of what it sounds like. For example, programmers' time is measured in Software Mean Time which does not actually mean time at all. Here is a handy list of translations for some common programmers' phrases:


I have finished

I have started

Testing now

Halfway through

There are a few little problems

The whole design was wrong and the system has to be completely rewritten

It never works when anybody is looking

I have never tested it before

There are bound to be a few teething troubles

We will complete the work on-site, after installation

I never drink at lunchtime

I drink all night, get in late and so have to skip lunch

A day and a bit

Two weeks

About one week

Six weeks

Thirty days or so

Three days at the most

Could you please check the connection at the back of your machine

Do something while I try to control a hysterical fit of laughter

When was your last backup?

I have some bad news for you

We cannot replicate the fault

Your system is obsolete

With respect

I'm talking to an idiot here, right?


1 comment:

Comments 2003-2004 said...

___________________________



If any of this sounds familiar, it's because Computer Weekly ripped it off for their humour column after I submitted it to them. They never acknowledged my submission but copied bits of it into their unfunny, boring backpage column. Don't buy Computer Weekly. You can get it free by phoning their circulation department and giving them a line of bull about being a software developer. They'll send it free every week. This is because they are telling their advertisers they have hundreds of thousands of software people reading the adverts. Sod them. Their Schofield bloke appears to be in thrall to Microsoft too. He's one of those infuriating people who make themselves out to be the greatest lifelong supporters of whoever happens to be winning at any given time. It's the same argument your mother uses to convince you that some talentless celeb is a great star "Oooh but they make loads of money!" Duh, they still suck.

Post by : Simon (host213-123-117-170.in-addr.btopenworld.com / )



___________________________