Now incorporating The Sudbury Hill Harrow and Wherever End Times

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Shake-up at the Herald

Things have been going to the dogs around here lately. I'm sorry, but let's be blunt. Too often the writing is lack-lustre and cliche-ridden. I've noticed a certain amount of ill-feeling. I will hold my hand up and say that I didn't even recongise [check that spelling for me, Feargal] some of the people around the office this week. Women have been bombarding me for separate sex toilets, and to be frank, I still don't even know what "sex toilets" are. I'm wringing [check that spelling, Feargal] the changes. Over the next few weeks Willesden Herald House will be wired for sound, and a program of soothing music will be played to soothe the savage breasts. I will personally select a range of Mantovani, Joe Loss and his Orchestra as well as a few exotics just to spice things up - Manuel and his Music of the Mountains, for example, Sergio Mendes and Brazil 66 (or whatever number they lived up) to and their ilk. This idea came to me this afternoon, while listening to the great Desmond Carrington on Radio 2 ("Yes, we have no bananas" was the track that inspired me.)

Ed.

It's not my job to check your spelling. Feargal

1 comment:

Comments 2003-2004 said...




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sex toilets

Ed,

I believe an alternative name for such places is "cottages" and the act of frequenting them in the hope of having one's private parts manually or orally manipulated is known as cottaging. The practise isn't traditionally indulged in by women, even by those who wear sensible and stout lace-up shoes.

I believe Ms Saxonheart's - ahem - 'flatmate', Eugenia, is a great admirer of the poetess Sappho (if you know what I mean) and this obsession with toilet facilities may derive from some gender dysphoria to do with that. Alternatively the stress of stepping up from the Childs Hill Advertiser to the hustle and bustle of the Willesden Herald may be manifesting itself in Ms Saxonheart by her needing to attack an authority figure such as myself who she is aware will be conversant with her barely-disguised foibles.

That of course is a medical opinion and I would hope that you will keep it strictly confidential.

Yours
Gerald


Post by : Dr Gerald Francis (ret'd) (webcacheh12a.cache.pol.co.uk / )


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Oh dear....

Erm...Ed

Dr Francis seems to have inadvertently sent that last communication to everybody in the Herald's address book.

I will try to get to Ms saxonheart's computer before she arrives....damn...too late...here she is.

Post by : Rocky Rollins - Society Editor (webcacheh02a.cache.pol.co.uk / )


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Barkes, Snarles, and Whinny Solicitors

Ed

Received here too.

Get rid of him. This won't be smoothed over with a year's subscription to the Herald like the Dunliving Retirement Home for Gentlefolk case. Suggesting Deep Heat as a cure for old folks' veruccas is one thing, and that business over him printing Barry Whatsisname's name by mistake is another but I fear that Ms Saxonheart is a different kettle of fish. She is a force to be reckoned with. I suggest you get rid of Francis before all this hits the fan.

Yours legally
Barkes

Post by : Morris Barkes (webcacheh02a.cache.pol.co.uk / )


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Myself and Ms Eugenia Wellbeloved

Dear Ed

I have in front of me the most disgusting insinuation imaginable. You can guess what I mean. Eugenia and myself will spend the day considering our positions.

I have already suggested to you that Marcus Wellbeloved, Eugenia's brother, be taken on as the young, fresh, modern face of medical opinion but for whatever reason you have kept Dr Francis on. I hope this latest episode and/or the possibility of a libel suit may help you reconsider.

Yours in dismay and disappointment
Amanda Saxonheart (Ms)

Post by : Media Editor (webcacheh02a.cache.pol.co.uk / )


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General Remarks

Right. Well, as I say, I haven't got time to read everything here these days, but I'm glad to see you're all talking amunkst yourselves. Keep up the good work. Ed.

Post by : Ed (host217-40-198-141.in-addr.btopenworld.com / )



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